Brewers Pub

You peel away the outside.
You cook the inside.
You eat the outside.
You throw away the inside.

Question : What am I?

Corn on the cob

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He’s all right now.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he’s back!

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
He turns into a bat every night.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather?
“Would you like another piece?”

There was this couple in Scotland who had just moved into an old castle. When they moved in, they decided to empty out the wine cellar and found this large barrel of brandy.

They tried moving it and even got a few friends around to help, but they couldn’t budge it. In the end, they decided to have a housewarming party and give glasses of brandy out to empty the barrel and make it easier to move.

A few days after the party, they went into the cellar and tried to move the barrel again. It still wouldn’t move.

The husband went to get his saw in order to cut it into smaller pieces and in turns they cut off the top of the barrel.

Inside was a dead body and they had drank the brandy that had preserved it.

You peel away the outside.
You cook the inside.
You eat the outside.
You throw away the inside.

Question : What am I?

Here’s one I heard on the radio from a woman who told her story about seeing a ghost, which is scary:

A few years ago, the woman and her family had just moved to a new house somewhere in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.

One night, her baby son was crying so she got out of bed and went to see him.  Suddenly, the baby stopped crying.  The woman knew that he must have fallen asleep so she went back to bed.

A few hours later, the baby cried again, so she got up and went over to check again.

As she opened the door to her son’s room, she saw a boy, about 6 or 7 years old, calming the baby down.  When he saw the woman, he disappeared.

The woman was shocked and later told her neighbours what happened.

The neighbours already knew about the ghost and told her that there was a boy who died from an illness, about 80 years ago, and was buried under the exact place where her baby son’s room is.

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”
Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
Number 3 guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf.”
and she said
“Take a sweater.

The legend is that if you sit in three of the graveyard chairs from midnight until one minute after midnight, you will have the ability to see ghosts — but you will pay with your life.

This, however did not apply to three high-school football players on Halloween Night in 1976.  They pulled into the graveyard, in the middle of a large, open area.

They had heard the legend and decided to try it, but one of them refused to try it.

The friend sat down and watched the other boys run from one chair to the other.  Then he sensed that something was wrong.  They were leaning over to the side with their eyes rolled back, rasping.

The boy began frantically screaming for help as his friends kneeled over and grabbed his leg.  It is said that the boy also saw spirits for an instant.

The boys died and the survivor never spoke a word.

Of course, there were people mourning their loved ones nearby.  They witnessed the event and filed a police report detailing what happened.

No one really knows what those chairs are, except that they have been there since the town was founded.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help.
When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn’t find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he’d been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injector chamber.

Walter