Brewers Pub

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Keep honking. I’m reloading.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Someone has taught this dog well.
Excuse me Teacher, have a question.

A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says “Darling, I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, saying this time: “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he demands. Up to 60 mph. “I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph! “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!”

The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”

At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need.” she says.

“Oh, really?” he inquires, “So what exactly have you got?

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says…………… “The airbag.”

Never underestimate the rationalization of a woman.

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. “I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total”, says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The Genie explains, “well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”

The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.”

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in High School by telling them the difference each of them had made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First, she told each of them how they had made a difference to her, and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon, imprinted with gold letters, which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”

Afterwards, the teacher decided to do a class project, to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a Community. She gave each of the students three more blue ribbons, and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom, and report to the class in about a week. One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby Company, and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon, and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like for you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person, to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened”

Later that day, the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down, and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon, and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, “Well, sure.” The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket, above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, “Would you take this extra ribbon, and pass it on by honoring somebody else. The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school, and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”

That night, the boss came home to his 14-year-old son, and sat him down. He said, “The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office, and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me, and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine! He thinks I am a creative genius! Then he put a blue ribbon that says, “Who I Am Makes a Difference”, on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon, and I thought about you. I want to honor you. My days are hectic and when I come home, I do not pay a lot of attention to you.

Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school, and for your bedroom being a mess. Somehow, tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You’re a great kid, and I love you!”

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he could not stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, “Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom, explaining why I had took my life, and I asked you to forgive me. I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were asleep. I just did not think that you cared at all. The letter is upstairs. I don’t think I need it after all.” His father walked upstairs and found a heartfelt letter full of anguish and pain.

The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch, but made sure to let all of his employees know that they made a difference. The junior executive helped several other young people with career planning, and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life…one being the boss’ son. In addition, the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson, “Who you are DOES make a difference”.

Smile and know that I think that you are important. Who you are does make a difference.

Contributed by Pat