There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don’t care and would have married him anyway…
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before!
All his Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A large company has an off-site retreat for it’s executives. The CEO decides to hold the event at his huge country side estate, with it’s equally huge mansion. The estate also has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. However, the huge pool is filled with hungry alligators.
The CEO says to his executives “I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!”
Everyone laughs at the outlandish offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The awestruck CEO approaches the CFO and says, “You are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, “You can start by telling me who the f*ck pushed me in the pool!”
You may want to read carefully, and keep handy for a quick review in tense situations with your loved one.
1.) “Fine”: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. A shrewd but effective psychological tactic.
2.) “Five Minutes”: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. It may be that women are able to fold the space time continuum to achieve this.
3.) “Nothing”: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes for at least the next 72hrs, if not longer. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”.
4.) “Go Ahead”: According to all experts on the topic this is considered a dare, and not permission. Don’t Do It!
5.) A Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and further discussion is pointless because she is right in this discussion about nothing important. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of “nothing”.)
6.) “That’s Okay”: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. A 72hr waiting period doesn’t apply, this goes on your permanent record.
7.) “Thanks”: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome and back away slowly.
8.) “Whatever”: Is a woman’s way of saying “bite me”.
9.) “Don’t worry about it, I got it”: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3. Pray that you don’t receive a “that’s ok”.
I will probably die for this one……
One day, long, long ago…..there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But that was a long time ago……..and it was just that one day.
Contributed by: Joe M
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. “T-Square, do your stuff.” T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.” Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was also good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff!” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone was speechless.
IN PRISON … you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK … you spend the majority of your time in one 6×8.
IN PRISON … you get three meals a day.
AT WORK … you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON … you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK … you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON … the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK … you carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON … you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK … you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON … you get your own toilet.
AT WORK … you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON … they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK … you can’t even speak to your family.
IN PRISON … you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK … they’re called managers.
IN PRISON … all expenses paid by taxpayers; no work required.
AT WORK … you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON … you spend your life looking through bars from the inside, wanting to get out.
AT WORK … you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”
Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” But before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
Answer #5
Upon getting into an elevator a passenger asked, “Is this lift going up?” “No, replied someone at the back, “We’re going to fool everyone this time and go sideways.”
As I’m sure this is the case with you, too, my mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. It’s driving me nuts.
Since I have become disillusioned by the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, E-85 Morons, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., I have decided to solve the problems as they affect me on my own.
My idea solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems. I will hire illegal immigrants to push my car. They’re plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I’ll pay them in Pesos so they’ll have to go home to spend it.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home…… maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(”Honey, I’m home. What the….?!”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig… can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……..)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
