Brewers Pub

I will seek and find you …
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The
Flu

Now, go get your flu shot!

Contributed by Troy

Q: The Stanley Cup was recently on tour in my town, and I kissed and drank from it. Do I have to worry about being infected by listeria?

A: You are safe. The Stanley Cup has not been in contact with any Maple Leaf product in over 40 years.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.”

“Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it.

“You’ll really love my place.

“The grass is almost a foot high”

Contributed by Joe

This was written by a Canadian woman, but oh how it also applies to the U.S., U.K. and Australia

THIS ONE PACKS A FIRM PUNCH

Here is a woman who should run for Prime Minister!

Written by a housewife in New Brunswick , to her local newspaper. This is one ticked off lady.

‘Are we fighting a war on terror or aren’t we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001 and have continually threatened to do so since?

Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from the nation’s capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn’t they?

And I’m supposed to care that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured by a justice system of the nation they come from and are fighting against in a brutal insurgency.

I’ll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I’ll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which is a crime punishable by beheading in Afghanistan .

I’ll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg’s head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I’ll care when the cowardly so-called ‘insurgents’ in Afghanistan come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.

I’ll care when the mindless zealots who blows themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.

I’ll care when the Canadian media stops pretending that their freedom of speech on stories is more important than the lives of the soldiers on the ground or their families waiting at home to hear about them when something happens.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a CANADIAN soldier roughing up an Insurgent terrorist to obtain information, know this:

I don’t care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank:

I don’t care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed ’special’ food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being ‘mishandled,’ you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts:

I don’t care.

And oh, by the way, I’ve noticed that sometimes it’s spelled ‘Koran’ and other times ‘Quran.’ Well, Jimmy Crack Corn you guessed it,

I don’t care!!

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail friends. Sooner or later, it’ll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behaviour!

If you don’t agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don’t complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country!

And may I add:

‘Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Soldiers don’t have that problem.’

I have another quote that I would like to add, AND…….I hope you forward all this.

One last thought for the day:

Only five defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ

2. The Canadian Soldier.

3. The British Soldier.

4. The US Soldier, and

5. The Australian Soldier

One died for your soul, the other 4 for your freedom.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET ALL OF THEM.

AMEN!

Mrs Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was real disappointed when some of the the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.

One evening while Mrs Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her. After supper she went out and put up a sign:
‘Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colourless rat poison!’

A day or two later when Mrs Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen. Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: ‘NOW THERE ARE TWO!!’

John, a city slicker from Boston, bought a pumpkin patch. He thought that he could make more money from chickens than the previous owner made from pumpkins, so he went to a poultry farm and bought 50 chickens.

‘50 is a lot of chickens for that little pumpkin patch,’ commented the proprietor. ‘I am used to big business’ John replied.’

A week later John was back at the farm. ‘I need another 50 chickens,’ he said. ‘Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,’ the poultry farmer told him.

‘Oh yes,’ John replied. ‘It’ will be Ok if I can just iron out a few problems.’ ‘Problems?’, asked the farmer. ‘Yeah,’ replied the John, ‘I think I planted that first batch too close together.’

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

and last but not least…

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time…Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.
8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”