Brewers Pub

Kids truly say the most endearing things. Here are some actual letters from children addressed to God.

Dear God,

Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?

Lucy (age 6)

Dear God,

Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or is that an accident?

Norma (age 4)

Dear God,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you got now?

Jane (age 5)

Dear God,

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that ok?

Paul (age 7)

Dear God,

I am American. What are you?

Dylan (age 6)

Dear God,

I want to be just like Daddy when I grow up but not with so much hair.

Ronan (age 5)

Dear God,

I bet it’s hard for you to love everyone in the world. I have four people in my family and I can’t do it.

Mike (age 6)

Dear God,

Thank you for the baby brother but I asked for a puppy.

Raoul (age 4)

Dear God,

If you watch in Church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes.

Jennifer (age 5)

Dear God,

If we come back as something else, please don’t let me be Jennifer coz I hate her.

Amanda (age 6)

Dear God,

Please send Dennis to a different camp this year. Please. Please.

Peter (age 7)

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are “unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,” committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don’t know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article entitled “How Not to Rob a Bank,” by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 Edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered the following advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren’t followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don’t follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don’t want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don’t sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber’s signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his “weapon.”

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, “I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope.” The teller said, “All I’ve got is two twenties.” The robber took them and left.

6. Don’t advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller’s car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don’t be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places–as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I. robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass. who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.

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Three women are about to be executed. One’’s a brunette, one’’s a redhead, and one’’s a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the brunette yells, “EARTHQUAKE!!!”

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the redhead yells, “TORNADO!!!”

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim!” And the blonde yells, “FIRE!!!”

car VIRGINIA

Two rednecks in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up more walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck — so they abandoned it.

Police in Virginia Beach charged Charles Robertson, 19, with bank robbery after he made a series of dumb mistakes. When trying to rob a bank, after handing the teller a note of demands, Robertson retrieved the money and began to flee. Realizing he had forgotten the note, Robertson rushed back to the bank and grabbed the incriminating evidence. Racing back to his getaway car, he discovered that he had left the keys at the bank. Managing to elude police, Robertson made his way home and told his roommate, whose car he had borrowed, that it had been stolen. Very upset, his roommate called and reported his car stolen. Less than twenty minutes later, Officer Mike Koch spotted the car just a block from the bank. The officer retrieved the keys that had been left at the scene of the crime. When the keys fit the car, the officers went to the address the car’s owner had given and arrested Robertson.

Arlington:

A man went to the bank and presented a check for $1,450, but the teller said that she would have to get approval from the Vice President and left. Melinda Babson, Vice President, recognized the woman’s name on the check, but did not recognize the signature. Babson called the woman, who said that she had not written a check for that amount. The unsuspecting man waited calmly out front sipping a cup of coffee until police arrived and arrested him for forgery. Police noted that the man was a “knucklehead” for staying at the bank. Had he left, however, police still could have easily tracked him down as he had given the teller his driver’s license.

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, “I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy.”

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, “Look, I just made two people really happy.”

Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, “Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier.”

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, “I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.”

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India

The Personnel Manager said, ‘Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.   Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.’

Mujibar said, ‘I am ready.’

The manager said, ‘Make a sentence using the words Yellow , Pink and Green .’

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ‘Mister manager, I am ready.’

The manager said, ‘Go ahead.’

Mujibar said, ‘The telephone goes green, green , and I pink it up, and say, ‘ Yellow ‘ , this is Mujibar.’

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.  I know I have.

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’.  In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love.  When Homer came back from the fields, they made love.  After supper, they made love.  And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their ‘nooner’: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done.   Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

‘Homer,’ said the doctor, ‘just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air.   That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you.  Then you won’t lose any field time.’

They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor’s office.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the Doc.  ‘Didn’t my idea work?’

‘Oh, it worked good,’ said Homer. ‘whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d fina a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again.’

‘Good, Homer.  So what’s the problem?’ asked the Doc.

‘Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started’