Brewers Pub

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn’t want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price.”

Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, “Damn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either.”

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes — conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween.

They go into a costume store and look for masks.

Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, “I think I’ll go as Beethoven.”

Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, “I’ll be Mozart.”

Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, “I’ll be Bach.”

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”

He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.”

So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Mozart decomposing.”

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye….It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought….

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you my son?’

He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business…..’

‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented..

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!!!

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Burning Man is a 7-day festival in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada that encourages radical forms of self-expression.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanic s about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ Pilots (marked with a “P”) and the solutions recorded (marked with an “S”) by maintenance engineers.

(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

+++
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

+++
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

+++
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

+++
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

+++
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

+++
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

+++
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

+++
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

+++
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

+++
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

+++
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

+++
P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

+++
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

+++
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

+++
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?

Come on, you know you tilted your head