Brewers Pub

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,’Hey Koala! What are you doing?’

The koala said, ‘Smoking a joint, come up and have some.’

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was ‘dry’ and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, ‘What’s the matter with you?’

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest,

found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said,

‘Hey you!’

So the koala looked down at him and said,

‘Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude…

How much water did you drink!?’

A new supermarket opened in Davenport . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks; with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.

Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods..Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. ‘Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.’

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs….’

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
13. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
17. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the widow said to the hired hand, “You’ve done a really good job and the ranch looks great. Go into town and kick up your heels.

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the next Saturday night. However, one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. He returned around two~thirty and found the widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did so, slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He did. “Now take off my skirt.” He did. “Now take off my bra.” He did as he was told. “Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town again.”

On a cheerful summer holiday weekend a man walks into the butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying “Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound.”

“I’m having a cookout this weekend,” the man says, “and I’d like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please.”

The butcher shakes his head and says, “Sorry. I’m all out.”

The disappointed man goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, “How much is your ground sirloin?”

“It’s $3.29 per pound.”

“Three twenty nine?” exclaims the man. “Just up the street they are selling it for 29 cents!”

The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, “Does he have any?”

“No. He’s out of it right now.”

“Well,” says the butcher, “When I don’t have any, I can also sell it for 19 cents per pound!”

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears~~a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his high~powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend’s family. He just had to save his friend.

Luckily, the bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

“What did you do that for?!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other bear!”

“Exactly,” replied the sheriff. “Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?”

Person 1: My dog has got no nose
Person 2: How does he smell?
Person 1: Awful.

Person 1: Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed? Reese… Reese something.
Person 2: Witherspoon?
Person 1: No, with her knife.

Person 1: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
Person 2: Sure.
Person 1: I fell in the mud.

Q: How do lamps communicate?
A: Lampost

Will you remember me in an hour?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a day?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a month?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
I think you won’t.
Yes, I will.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
See? You’ve forgotten me already!