This year, I resolve to…

- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

- Stop exercising. Waste of time.

- Read less. Makes you think.

- Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

- Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

- Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

- Not have eight children at once.

- Get in a whole NEW rut!

- Start being superstitious.

- Personal goal: bring back disco.

- Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

- Buy an ‘83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

- Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

- Not eat cloned meat.

- Create loose ends.

- Get more toys.

- Get further in debt.

- Not believe politicians.

- Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

- Stay off the International Space Station.

- Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

- Associate with even worse business clients.

- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

- Wait around for opportunity.

- Focus on the faults of others.

- Mope about my faults.

- Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
 Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
 The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d tasted
 At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
 When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
 When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
 I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
 The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
 The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
 And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”
 As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
 And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—
 I said to myself, as I only can “You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”
 So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
 Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
 Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
 ’Til all the additional ounces have vanished.
 I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick.
 I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
 I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
 I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
 I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore—
 But isn’t that what January is for?
 Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
 Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Three men died on Christmas Eve in an accident following a wild Office Party and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honour of this holy season” Saint Peter said,” You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.”It represents a candle”, he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolise?”

The man replied, “These are Carols.”

 

(Terry grins evilly)

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn’t lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love
“We are through, love!”
And I said in so many words
“Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!”

Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!”

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Answers

1) Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer made his first appearance in 1939, in a story that was written to:

D) Promote a department store

The story was written by Robert L. May, the advertising editor of the Montgomery Ward department store chain. His four-year-old daughter picked the name Rudolph. May’s brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, later turned it into the now-familiar song, which was popularized by singer Gene Autry in 1949.

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2) After Scrooge has reformed his life at the end of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”, he proposes getting together with Bob Cratchit for some “smoking bishop”, which was:

C) A hot spiced drink

Mulled wines were popular festive drinks in 19th- century London. They were undoubtedly much safer to drink than the untreated water. To make Smoking Bishop, take 6 bitter oranges and stick them with 6 cloves each. Put them in a bowl, cover with (cheap) red wine, and set in a warm place for a day. Squeeze the oranges into the wine and strain. Add port. Heat, and serve with a cinnamon stick.

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3) Most of us like to spend Christmas with our families, but sometimes we must be far away. Even then, most of us get to stay on the planet. Prior to the continuous occupation of the International Space Station in 2001, how many people actually spent Christmas Day in space?

D) Thirty-five

The first people in space at Christmas were Borman, Lovell and Anders, who orbited the moon in Apollo-8. Since then, 32 others have spent December 25 either in Salyut 6, MIR, or the International Space Station. Russian cosmonaut Sergei Krikalev was there three times, in 1988, 1991 and 2000. Now that the ISS is continuously occupied, the number should continue to increase steadily.

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4) In the Ukraine, if you find a spider web in the house on Christmas morning it is believed to mean:

A) Good luck

One Christmas morning, a poor woman, who could not afford decorations, found that spiders had trimmed her children’s tree with their webs. When the morning sun shone on them, the webs turned to silver. An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations on Ukrainian Christmas trees.

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5) America’s official national Christmas tree is:

C) Located in King’s Canyon National Park in California

The tree, a giant sequoia called the “General Grant Tree”, is over 90 meters (300 feet) high. It was made the official Christmas tree in 1925.

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6) A modern Christmas custom borrowed from ancient Rome’s New Year’s celebrations is:

C) Displaying a wreath on the front door of one’s house

Romans wished each other “good health” by exchanging branches of evergreens. They called these gifts “strenae” after Strenia, the goddess of health. It became the custom to bend these into a ring and display them on doorways.

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7) The first instrument on which the carol “Silent Night” was played was:

C) A guitar

The carol was first sung as part of a church service in Oberndorf, Austria. The unusual choice of guitar for the accompaniment rather than the traditional church organ has given rise to a number of picturesque stories (the organ bellows had been damaged by mice; the organ had been sabotaged; etc.), but in fact it was simply a matter of preference on the part of the author, Joseph Mohr.

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Good King Wenceslas was king of which country?

C) Bohemia

The historical Wenceslas was actually only Duke of Bohemia, not a king. He lived in the tenth century.

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9) The real St. Nicholas lived:

C) In Turkey

St. Nicholas was bishop of the Turkish town of Myra in the early 4th century. It was the Dutch who first made him into a Christmas gift-giver, and Dutch settlers brought him to America where his name eventually became the familiar Santa Claus.

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10) Believe it or not, one Indiana town is called:

D) Santa Claus. And I’ve been there!

There is also a Santa Claus, Idaho.

Following are 10 Christmas Trivia Questions.

Test your skill.

1) Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer made his first appearance in 1939, in a story that was written to:

A) Advertise a new brand of light-bulb

B) Be read on a Christmas radio broadcast

C) Entertain the author’s sick daughter

D) Promote a department store

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2) After Scrooge has reformed his life at the end of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”, he proposes getting together with Bob Cratchit for some “smoking bishop”, which was:

A) A fast variation of chess popular in Victorian London

B) A premium pipe tobacco

C) A hot spiced drink

D) A Christmas pudding, soaked in brandy and set alight

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3) Most of us like to spend Christmas with our families, but sometimes we must be far away. Even then, most of us get to stay on the planet. Prior to the continuous occupation of the International Space Station in 2001, how many people actually spent Christmas Day in space?

A) None - mission planners have always worked around it

B) Just three - the Apollo-8 team

C) Twelve

D) Thirty-five

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4) In the Ukraine, if you find a spider web in the house on Christmas morning it is believed to mean:

A) Good luck

B) Misfortune will strike in the coming year

C) The winter will be unusually cold

D) Your house needs cleaning!

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5) America’s official national Christmas tree is:

A) Displayed at the Rockefeller Center in New York

B) Brought from Canada and erected in Washington each year

C) Located in King’s Canyon National Park in California

D) A Scotch pine

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6) A modern Christmas custom borrowed from ancient Rome’s New Year’s celebrations is:

A) Putting up mistletoe to make a “kissing bough”

B) Decorating a tree

C) Displaying a wreath on the front door of one’s house

D) Hanging stockings by the fireplace

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7) The first instrument on which the carol “Silent Night” was played was:

A) A harp

B) A pipe organ

C) A guitar

D) A kazoo

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Good King Wenceslas was king of which country?

A) Abyssinia

B) England

C) Bohemia

D) Gondor

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9) The real St. Nicholas lived:

A) At the North Pole

B) On the island of Malta

C) In Turkey

D) In Holland

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10) Believe it or not, one Indiana town is called:

A) Christmasville

B) Wenceslas

C) Noel

D) Santa Claus

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: “Where would you like to put this tree Santa?”

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

It was Christmas Eve in a supermarket and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said “Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

“No” he replied, “They’re all dead”.

 

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for an unusual gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much of a singer. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; “Silent Night, Holy Night.”The husband is very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts to sing “Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.” The husband says Chet is perfect and that he’ll take him.The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet to her and starts to explain the parrot’s special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the bird sings “Silent Night.” He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of “Jingle Bells.” The wife is absolutely amazed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead. With his curiosity aroused, the husband relocates the lighter as his wife suggested and the bird begins to sing - Chet’s nuts Roasting on an Open Fire! (Ouch!)