Brewers Pub

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

“Do you need some help?” I asked.

She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?”

“Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?” I asked.

“No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries…it’s a long walk.”

You might be a redneck if…

Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Bikers back down from your momma.

You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dove soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it’s *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let’s experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn’t that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

Who said children are getting dumber every year? Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves:

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can’t fool me, Teacher…snakes don’t have feet.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don’t bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
ELLEN: I is…
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, “I am.”
ELLEN: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”

“Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair, and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister”. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control”, then went in the back to make a sandwich.

A burglar has just made it into the house he’s intending ransacking, and he’s looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

“I can see you, and so can Jesus!”

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”

“So what,” says the burglar, “you’re only a parrot!”

To which the parrot replies, “Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!”

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an “A” so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time - however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation.

“Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, “this is going to be easy.” Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?

I went to McDonald’s. I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen nuggets.

“We don’t have a half-dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter.

“You don’t?” I replied.

“We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply.

“So I can’t order a half-dozen nuggets but I can order six?”

“That’s right.”

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE !!!!!!

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she’s using the ATM “thingy”.

Who said children are getting dumber every year? Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves:

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That’s impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn’t, Teacher. I’m eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground then you are.

The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in New York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl’s aunt’s brother-in-law’ s cousin’s uncle’s wife in Chicago.

Monday night, 10 pm

Girl: Hello?

Boy: (Shit, she’s home!) Umm, hi! Is this —?

Girl: Speaking.

Boy: My name is —. I don’t know if you know who I am- (God, what if she doesn’t know who I am? I’ll sound like a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete idiot. I don’t even know why I’m doing this!)

Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right?

Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that’s a relief. I wonder what she was told - “He’s a resident, tall, and fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!” God, she probably hates me already!)

Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number. (I can’t believe he actually called!)

Boy: So, how are you?  (Oh yeah, that’s real original, but what the hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don’t know you, but do you want to be wife?)

Girl: I’m fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great start)

Boy: I’m good. (Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you’re an investment banker? (Oh, that’s a real winner. Now I can be a bad conversationalist and an idiot!)

Girl: Yes.

Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work?

Girl: Merrill Lynch.

Boy: Hey, that’s a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron. I should just hang up except my mother would somehow find out and kill me!)

Girl: Yeah, it’s a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds like a complete loser)

Boy: So…(Stall ,stall!)

Girl: So you’re doing your residency in cardiology? (Like my mom didn’t tell me that 500 times already!)

Boy: (Ok, I can handle this…) Yeah, I’m in my second year. (Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you drink and have sex? Cause if you want to marry me, you can’t be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who think if they kiss a guy they’ve practically gone all the way) So, what do you like to do in your free time?

Girl: (Umm… get wasted…) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends, go to movies.

Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY?

Girl: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some religious freak! I can’t say bars - I’ll say clubs, you can go to clubs and not drink…) Oh, sometimes we go to the movies, or there’s a couple clubs that are good… (That was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I’m not really into them…)

Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that’s a good sign. If she was really religious she wouldn’t do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also.

Girl: (He likes to dance- that’s a good sign. He can’t be that stiff!) So where do you hang out in Boston?

Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I’ll say it, what the hell!) Umm, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that.

Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should explore this further…) Are there any good bars in Boston?

Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I’m not a huge drinker, but I like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic - pretty good, if I do say so myself!)

Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool. But if he’s so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn’t he have a girlfriend? Or not need to call random girls his mother tells him about? God, what if he’s completely ugly? Or has never been kissed?) Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out.

Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder if she’s butt)

Girl: (Ok, so he didn’t freak out at the living a double life reference- another good sign. I just wish I knew what he looked like…) So…

Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there’s only one way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little crazy, but I’m visiting some friends in NYC next weekend and I wonder if you’d want to get together for coffee sometime.

Girl: (Coffee. That’s totally safe. If he’s totally nasty I can have a quick espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great.

Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee’s pretty harmless. And who knows, maybe she’ll be cool. Now I have to get the hell out of this conversation. ..) So I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and we can figure it out?

Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for e-mail!) Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at work, so- (God, this is getting painful)

Boy: Alright, I’ll e-mail you soon. (Meaning in two days cause I don’t want to look too desperate, but at the same time I don’t want to look like I’m trying not to look too desperate)

Girl: Cool. Bye then. (Thank God! we’re ending this conversation but I certainly hope that he mails me soon. Let’s see if he is really interested.)

Boy: B’ bye… (Hell! That was not as tough as it seemed. I finally got through this whole process.)