Brewers Pub

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

and last but not least…

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time…Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.
8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “What a scary mask!” but you’re not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least…

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Proper weight control cannot be attained by dieting alone; however, many people who are engaged in sedentary occupations do not realize that calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require much (or any) physical exercise.

Here’s the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

Beating around the bush . . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . .75
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 650

An old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?”

“Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.”

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson’s office. “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I’m farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,” said the doctor soothingly. “Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, we’ll work on your hearing!!!”

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

“My son Kent,” says one, “has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.”

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. “Norm’s so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift.”

The third man’s son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

“To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased with how my son turned out,” he replies. “For 15 years, Chico’s been a hairdresser, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.”

One of the nation’s largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, “Clinton Soup”, that will honor one of the nation’s most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: “I don’t know, I never had one.”

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Chelsea asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?”
Bill Clinton replied, “No, some begin with ‘After I’m elected’.”

Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as “Walking Eagle” because he is so full of crap he can’t fly.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

Did you hear about the grizzly bear problems in Alaska that Palin has to take care of.

There are too many and they are killing people. So Palin came up with the idea of cutting a hole in a frozen lake and then spreading peas all over the ice.

Then when a bear comes down to take a pea you kick him in the icehole.

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, ‘HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I’M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU’RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.’

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN’T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?

THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.

Contributed by Pat

She is pregnant;

he had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire.

When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest.

A photographer from the Charlotte , North Carolina newspaper, noticed her in the distance looking at the fireman.

He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do.

As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies and kissed him just as the photographer snapped this photograph.

Scroll down for photograph.

Contributed by Joe