Brewers Pub

Dear Robert,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than 5 miles down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors’ daughter. I’m 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors’ daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I’d leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

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Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it’s clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Robert

(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN) 

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren,  nieces, nephews or students… here is something to make you chuckle. 

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that  even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. 

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. 

And the first thing he said was 

‘ DON’T !’ 

‘Don ‘t what ? ’  Adam replied. 

‘Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.’  God said. 

‘Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ?   Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! ’ 

 ’ No Way ! ’ 

‘Yes way ! ’ 

‘Do NOT eat the fruit ! ’  said God. 

 ’Why ? ’ 

‘Because I am your Father and I said so ! ’   God replied,  wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants 

A few minutes later,  God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked ! 

‘Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit ? ’  God asked. 

 ’Uh huh,’  Adam replied. 

‘Then why did you ? ’ said the Father. 

‘I don’t know,’ said Eve. 

‘She started it! ’ Adam said. 

‘Did not ! ’ 

‘Did too ! ’ 

‘DID NOT ! ’ 

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve  should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. 

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. 

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ? 

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children. 

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children  more awful than your own. 

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. 

 ADVICE FOR THE DAY: 

Be nice to your kids.   They will choose your nursing home one day 

AND FINALLY: 

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: 

 ’TAKE TWO ASPIRIN’  AND ‘KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN’!!!!! 

A couple was having their Sunday morning breakfast when the wife went to get her Sunday church clothes on. When she returned, the husband was still in his bathrobe.

“Aren’t you going to church this morning?” asked the wife.

“No, I’m not going this morning. In fact, I’m not going to church anymore at all.”

“What do you mean, we’ve gone to church for years, so why the change?

He responded, “Look, there are people at that church who don’t like me, and frankly, there are people at that church that I don’t like, and I’M NOT GOING!”

She answered back, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you need to go to church. One, you’re 42 years old. Two, you gotta go, you’re the preacher.”

A man once heard of a Indian who had the best memory on earth so the man asked the Indian, “what he had for breakfast one year ago the Indian?” The Indian replied, “eggs!”

The man then said how on earth would you know that? That was a guess So he went away very angrily.

A year later he came back and saw the Indian at the airport walked up and greeted him by saying HOW, the Indian Said Scrambled.

A man was out for a walk and saw a funeral procession. But this one was strange.

There was two hirsch… then a man and a dog walking behind them… then a very long line of people.

Curious, he went up to the man and asked, “who died?”

The man answered “my mother-in-law and my wife”

So then the man asked “if you don’t mind me asking, how did they die? ”

The man answered “my dog killed them”

The man thought for a moment then asked “Can I borrow your dog?”

The man pointed behind him and said “Get in line”

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

1. Gangrene

2. New Car

3. Burn Victim

4. Dimetapp

5. Sand

6. Taxi

7. Grandma

8. WD-40

9. Substitute Teacher

10. Cigarette

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day’s work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe’s curiosity got the best of him.

He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?”

The man replied, “There’s a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin’ good, I’m headin’ home!”

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,’Hey Koala! What are you doing?’

The koala said, ‘Smoking a joint, come up and have some.’

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was ‘dry’ and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, ‘What’s the matter with you?’

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest,

found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said,

‘Hey you!’

So the koala looked down at him and said,

‘Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude…

How much water did you drink!?’