December 20, 2003
Dave,
What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don’t get any sleep!!! I’m a nervous wreck! It’s not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 19, 2003
Dear Dave,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 18, 2003
Dearest darling Dave,
It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!
All my love,
Agnes
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem ?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !’
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal : ‘What is 3 x 3 ?’
Harry : ‘9.’
Principal : ‘What is 6 x 6 ?’
Harry : ‘36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,’ Let me ask him some questions.’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’
Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !
Harry replied : ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks : ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into ?’
Harry : ‘Pants.’
Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?’
Harry : ‘ Coconut.’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks :’ What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?’ The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’
Ms.. Brooks : ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?’
Harry : ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : ‘What word starts with an ‘F ‘ and ends in ‘ K ‘ that means a lot of heat and excitement ?’
Harry : ‘Firetruck.’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,’ Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…..’
Contributed by
Joseph Melanson
December 17, 2003
Dear Dave,
Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don’t you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 16, 2003
Dearest Dave,
You’ve truly been too kind! I must protest; I don’t deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised–what more should I expect from such a nice person.
Love,
Agnes
December 15, 2003
Dearest Dave,
Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I’m delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.
With all of my love,
Your Agnes
December 14, 2003
Christmas Present
Dearest Dave,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised or pleased darling!
With truly the deepest love,
Agnes
A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can”t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ””I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have.”
””Anything?”” he says, getting fairly excited.
””Yes, anything.”” she replies.
So he says, ””Will you hold the donkey!?””
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.
