Brewers Pub

Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’ Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’ Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

“Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?”
- Don Rickles

“Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun… Like a sucked and spat out smartie, you’re no use to anyone.”
- John Cooper Clarke

“He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.”
- Anon

“She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly.”
- Richard Burton talking about Elizabeth Taylor

“She loves ‘NATURE’ – In spite of what it did to her.”
- Anon

“Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?”
- Don Rickles

“When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.”
- Anon

“I don’t want you to turn the other cheek – it’s just as ugly.”
- Anon

“Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.”
- Anon

“See, that’s what’s meant by dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.”
- Anon

“Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?”
- Anon

“Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?”
- Anon

“Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!”
- Anon

“I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!”
- Anon

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put “trying to do the job alone” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me…I again lost my presence of mind…and let go of the rope!