Brewers Pub

Meet Marvin, Men’s answer to Maxine!!!

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me….’

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How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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AND MAXINE SAYS…………’MARVIN’…

Maxine just had to have the last word.

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day’s work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe’s curiosity got the best of him.

He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?”

The man replied, “There’s a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin’ good, I’m headin’ home!”

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.

The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.

He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Harold didn’t drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. “What can I do?” he pleaded.

“Not much” the doctor replied. “There’s just a nasty bug going around.”

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me.
”You should be hung!”

I took a drink from my can of cold Bud Light, wiped the foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray
Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy-ass neighbor and then calmly replied,

”I am. That’s why she cuts the grass”.

– I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

– Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize I was driving.

– Wow, you must’ve been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

– I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

– You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

– You look just like my girlfriend’s deadbeat ex-husband.

– The question is — do YOU know why you pulled me over?

– I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it’s miles ahead of me.

– If you have to ask if I’ve been drinking, I’m not going to tell you, dude.

– It wasn’t my fault — when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.

– That’s a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?

– If I’d known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I’m

going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’

Frank continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,

‘You better think it over – women like that are hard to find.’

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home!

“No, really, I’m OK to drive.”
–I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

“I’m not used to these darts.”
–I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

“You get this one, next round is on me.”
–We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”
–Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

“I haven’t seen you around here for a long time.”
–You stuck up little —–, too good for your old friends??

“Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
–I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

“Lets get out of here.”
–I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.

“Ever try a body shot?” (female to male)
–If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?

“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female)
–You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

“I don’t feel well, lets go home.” (male)
–I’m horny.

“I’ve had like 10 beers already.”
–I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

“Who’s got the next round?”
–I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

“Excuse Me.” (male to male)
–Get the f— out of the way.

This is what happens when you drink too much beer

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.