Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. ‘Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.’

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs….’

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

“Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun… Like a sucked and spat out smartie, you’re no use to anyone.”
- John Cooper Clarke

“He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.”
- Anon

“She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly.”
- Richard Burton talking about Elizabeth Taylor

“She loves ‘NATURE’ – In spite of what it did to her.”
- Anon

“Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?”
- Don Rickles

“When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.”
- Anon

“I don’t want you to turn the other cheek – it’s just as ugly.”
- Anon

“Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.”
- Anon

“See, that’s what’s meant by dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.”
- Anon

“Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?”
- Anon

“Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?”
- Anon

“Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!”
- Anon

“I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!”
- Anon

“Well, sonny, I can’t remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger.”

The owner replies, “Well, let’s see… Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?”

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, “I want this color sonny.”

To which Nathan replies, “Ma’am I’m sorry, but we don’t have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?”

“No son, I want this color.”

“But ma’am, they didn’t make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?” says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, “Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman’s corn!”

Is there life after death? Touch the Rednecks truck and find out!

Ford Off road, if it ain’t a Ford you either have to DODGE it or the trail or pull it out cus its sunk like a ROCK

I’m NOT speeding, I’m qualifing!

If this car was a horse I’d have to shoot it.

Do me a favor…Steal this car.

Warning: Driver only carries $20 worth of ammunition!

I don’t like tailgaters, that’s why I’m speeding.

If I go any faster I’ll burn out my hamster!

I am the only one on this planet who know how to drive.