While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’
He addressed the man,
‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?
(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time and reminds him to be still and keep quiet.
An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. “I thought I told you to be quiet!” says Joe.
“Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me,” says Steve, “and I was quiet when the fox attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, ‘Should we eat them now or take them with us?’”
An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
‘Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr. Wallace. ‘My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a li ttle crazy, she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.’
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas.’
‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy, ‘you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?’
(You’ve gotta love this .)
‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’
ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER—–HILARIOUS!
This letter is a thing of beauty (even if the language is a bit rough)..
You definitely feel the guy’s pain! An actual letter to the passport
office…
Dear sirs,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable t.v. from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight damn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
I apologize, I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my freakin’ address.
What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin’ there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you care whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You’d rather have us running all over the freakin’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole
to confirm that it’s really me on the damn picture – you know,the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic freakin’ morons) Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!
Signed
- An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 …….I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang……..However, I have to get someone’important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !
Sincerely,
You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who.
………………And we want them to run our health care?!?
Meet Marvin, Men’s answer to Maxine!!!
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
———————————————————–
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
———————————————————–
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
———————————————————–
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me….’
———————————————————–
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
———————————————————-
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
– ——————————————————–
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
—————————————————-
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
——————————————————
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
——————————————————
AND MAXINE SAYS…………’MARVIN’…
Maxine just had to have the last word.
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many NFLD folks DID hear this on the 94.7- OZ – FM morning show in St. John’s NFLD.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called “Mate Match”. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers “yes”, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the St. John’s audience drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing they’ve ever heard yet. Read this and find out why. Anyway, here’s how it all went down:
DJ: “Hey! This is Ed on 94.7 OZ -FM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?”
Contestant: (laughing) “Yes, I have.
DJ: “Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.”
Contestant: “Brian.”
DJ: “Brian, are you married or what?”
Brian: (laughing nervously) “Yes, I am married.”
DJ: “Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.”
Brian: “Sara.”
DJ: “Is Sara at work, Brian?”
Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”
DJ: “Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?”
Brian: (laughing) “Yes, she’s at work.”
DJ: “Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?”
Brian: “About 8 o’clock this morning.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) “Well…”
DJ: “Question #2 – How long did it last?”
Brian: “About 10 minutes.”
DJ: “Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.”
Brian: “Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.”
DJ: “Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock this morning?”
Brian: (laughing hard) “I, ummm, I, well…”
DJ: “This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?”
Brian: “Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks…”
DJ: “Uh huh…”
Brian: “…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: “On the kitchen table.”
DJ: “Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this.”
[3 minutes of commercials follow.]
DJ: “Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?”
Touchtones…..ringing….)
Clerk: “Kinkos.”
DJ: “Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?”
Clerk: “This is she.”
DJ: “Sarah, this is Ed with 94.7 OZ-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.”
Sarah: (laughing) “A couple of hours?”
DJ: “Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of ‘Mate Match’?”
Sarah: “No.”
DJ: “Good!”
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) “Brian, what the hell are you up to?”
Brian: (laughing) “Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.”
DJ: “Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.”
DJ: “What time?”
Sarah: “Around 8 this morning.”
DJ: “Very good. Next question. How long did it last?”
Sarah: “12, 15 minutes maybe.”
DJ: “Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?”
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.”
DJ: “Where did you have it?”
Sarah: “OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?”
Brian: “Just tell him, honey.”
DJ: “What is bothering you so much, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Well…”
DJ: “Come on, Sarah…..where did you have it?
Sarah: “Up the arse…..”
After a long pause, the DJ said, “Folks, we need to take a station break.”
And the drivers of NFLD almost crashed their cars laughing!
P.S. : The contestants won the trip!
